How to Handle Flood of Aliens

Earth D.C. – The Department of Home Sweethome (DHS) announced today the creation of a new division, Usually Slow and Crappy Immigration Services (USCIS), to handle the influx of Aliens from Outer Space (AOS). The agency’s first task is to overhaul the Extremely Brutal (EB) and Frequently Broken (FB) immigration system. One proposal, supported by Department of Lame (DOL), will grant qualified aliens Less-Problematic-Resident (LPR) status if they are randomly selected by a Doomed or Vanished (DV) lottery program.

Another daunting task for USCIS is to establish a new visa classification, Hold One Back (H-1B), which will tie the visa holder to a single employer, for the rest of his or her life.

A third mission for USCIS is to manage the Evaluate and Debate (EAD) program and the Always Pending (AP) response team. The promising Almost Completed after 21 Years (AC21) project will be demolished.

In order to focus on these objectives, USCIS has designated the handling of other visas, including Failed-Once (F1) and Bye-Bye (B2), to its sister divisions: I See Everyone (ICE) and I See Bad People (CBP).

This announcement brings devastating news to existing applicants, who will begin to receive Return or Face Eviction (RFE) notices in the coming weeks. Aliens who choose to stay will be issued a Get-out Card (GC), and must report to the Ultra Speedy but a little Creepy Immigration Services (USCIS) for prompt Deportation to Outer Space (DOS).

July 10, 2099

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This report has nothing to do with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), Customs and Border Protection (CBP), Department of State (DOS) or Department of Labor (DOL).

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